Creative Writing Award Winner - 2013
I Hate Pink
I hate pink. I think I always have and probably always will. My mother thought, as the only daughter among 6 children that I should have an abundance of pink. The walls of my room were pink. My blankets, sheets and throw pillows were pink. Who knew there were so many stuffed animals that came in pink, teddy bears, elephants, pigs and yes, even a pink flamingo. My clothes were pink, hand made in pink gingham, pink plaid and pink paisley. I bit my fingernails to the quick so they would never be long enough for the dreaded pink nail polish. I don’t care how much upset stomach, diarrhea or whatever I may have, I will never take Pepto-Bismol. During October and breast cancer awareness days the people at my job wear pink on Fridays. I have purchased 2 salmon colored shirts and that they know, is as close as I’ll get to wearing pink.
A few years ago, I had a new patient on my schedule, we’ll call her Maria. I walked in the room and whoosh, out went all the air. You know, that sinking feeling when you are in the company of a deep depression. She told me about her son. Six months ago at the age of 24, he killed himself. No note, nothing. One day here, the next gone. She kept asking “why? Why didn’t I notice something was wrong?” Maria had other medical problems beside her depression, including knee pain and hypertension. I told her I was sorry, offered her a referral to behavioral health, gave her a prescription to help her sleep and another for her blood pressure and asked her to come back in a month.
Maria continued to see me regularly every month or two, still very sad. Still thinking about the day her son died. This went on for about a year. Not getting worse, but not getting much better. Not interested in talk therapy with behavioral health, but wanting to just sit and talk with me. Being the kind of nurse who thinks she needs to “fix” things, I felt guilty I wasn’t doing more.
One day, Maria came in and I was determined to do something to help her move on. I reached deep into my pocket of evidence-based medicine and found in the dregs of the basement one last pearl of desperation.I knew Maria liked to watch Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, so I thought I would use some of their advice. “You know Maria, I heard Dr. Phil tell someone who had lost someone they loved ‘will you spend the rest of your life thinking about his last day or will you spend the rest of your life celebrating and cherishing all the other days you shared?” I failed to mention he was talking to a lady about her dog, but I figured the advice was still sound. I told Maria “We will never know what your son was thinking that day, or even if he was able to think about what he was doing, but I know for certain that he would not want you spending the rest of your life asking a question without an answer. Was there something you loved to do before your son died?” She told me she loved to crochet. “My prescription for you today is to spend 30 minutes everyday crocheting and thinking about all the happy times you had with your son.” For the first time in my office, she smiled. “Yes, I think I can do that.”
About a few months later, she walked back into my office. She was smiling and she spent the next 20 minutes telling me all kinds of stories about her son. Happy stories. She told me she was making a little extra money crotcheting baby clothes and blankets for friends. At the end of the visit, she gave me a bag. “Here, I made this for you.”
I reached in the bag, and pulled out a bright pink scarf that she had crocheted for me. “Thank you for helping me find my son again.”
I still hate pink, but I love this scarf.
About Mary
Mary Bartlett is co–Medical Director of HAVEN Free Clinic, a student-run collaborative project of the Yale Schools of Nursing, Medicine, and Public Health, as well as the Fair Haven Community Health Center. She is a part-time lecturer at YSN and an HIV specialist at Fair Haven Community Health Center. Her undergraduate degree is from Yale College in women’s studies, and her nursing and advanced preparation was at YSN. In her “free” time, Mary can be found chasing her five children and doing renovations on her 200-year-old colonial home.