Creative Writing Awards 2024: “I Think I Have a Bad Cold” by Angie Benhard

The 21st annual Creative Writing Awards (cwa) were held on April 24, 2024, a celebration of the liberal arts deeply embedded in the science and clinical practice of the Yale Cchool of Nursing (YSN) community. After a keynote speech by Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Pam Belluck, each of the three winners read their work aloud. Three honorable mentions were also saluted.

I Think I Have a Bad Cold

by Angie Benhard ‘26 MSN

I chose to write about my time as a CNA at an adolescent psychiatric hospital. I wanted this poem to shine a light on all the barriers and stigmas that surround mental health, especially for people of color. This poem is a compilation of my clients, their truths and their bravery.

Mom, I think I have a bad cold.

I woke up this morning feeling the weight of my thoughts in my chest, I’m assuming it’s a build up of mucus.

I couldn’t get out of bed today, nor could I eat last night.

I tried to brush my teeth but lately It’s a chore to take care of this body and in a way it seems as if it’s given up on me.

That’s normal though, when someone has a cold they usually don’t have an appetite, they don’t want to take a bath or make their bed and no one judges them.

Mom, I think I have a bad cold.

But I’m not sure where I got it from.

I remember you once telling me about how your sister had bad colds in high school and would not leave her room for days.

Maybe it’s in my blood- Maybe it’s my fault-

Maybe I just didn’t wear my hat when I should have, or went outside with wet hair.

Mom, I think I have a bad cold.

It feels as if it’s never going to get better, it’s as if these colds last for years at a time.

I’m tired of breathing out of my mouth and I honestly can’t remember the last time I was happy- wait-, no.

I meant to say, I can’t remember the last time I was able to breathe through my nose. A little dramatic I know, it’s just this time I think it’s a very bad cold.

Mom, I told my friends and my teachers that I have a bad cold and they were very empathetic.

My friends told me to get well soon and sent me tips on how to get better;

Hydrate, Rest, Drink vitamin C.

Saying you have a cold doesn’t silence a room, people may reach for a mask but they don’t tread lightly as if you’re this endless black hole, ready to consume yourself and everyone else with it.

It’s as if everyone knew exactly what to say and how I felt, because who hasn’t had depression- I mean who hasn’t had a cold before?

I didn’t catch them trying to steal glances at my wrist to see if there were “signs and symptoms”.

They didn’t start grading the luxuries of my day to day life as a means to tell me that my life is perfect and that I have no reason to have a cold.

They just saw my puffy eyes and took my word for it.

Mom, I think I have a bad cold.

and I know it’ll come as no surprise because everyone gets colds:

White people, Black people, Hispanics.

You can even call Grandma and tell her

She won’t laugh saying it’s all in my head, nor will she shake hers.

She won’t tell you to grab the bible to pray it away.

Because to her a cold is Real…Tangible…Believable.

It’s caused by viruses, and why would anyone tell you to pray it away or shame it away?

She might even tell you to take me to the hospital…

but don’t worry our insurance will cover a bad cold.

We can afford a bad cold.

You may have to take a day or two off of work,

But I promise that, that is all I need from you.

I won’t have you anxious around the clock, watching me making sure that it doesn’t become

anything worse.

I mean how bad can a cold even get?

How bad can this even get-

If it’s not a cold?

Mom, I think I have something else.

But I’m not sure how to talk to you about anything else unless it’s something you understand yourself…like a bad cold.

No, I’m not trying to pick a fight mom, I’m just worried that when we get to the hospital they’ll all see it’s not a bad cold, and our jig will be up.

I’m worried that the nurses won’t still be nice and offer me ice water, they’ll just look at me as another one of those teenagers seeking attention.

I’m worried that they won’t have funny badge reels, just burn out, which sounds like the beginning of a bad joke right.

With the punchline being me actually getting help for once.

Mom, if it’s something else will our insurance even cover it?

I hate to be a burden but its really bad this time.

I know with a cold eventually my body will fight against itself and heal me, but with this, well that’s just the problem.

My body is fighting itself, and it’s recruiting my mind and instead of it healing, it’s killing.

Mom please, I know a cold rarely turns into anything but, but this… I lost a friend to this.

I know that this doesn’t really have a place in our heritage.

I know being “sad” isn’t an excuse for unmade beds, tangled hair, bad grades and doctor appointments. Especially considering I’m black, and I must work twice as hard and I know to you it must seem as if I’m slacking.

But Mom please,

I know that you don’t believe in this, but I need you to believe in me.

But if you can’t, then we can call it a bad cold, and I will try my hardest this time to put on a better fight.

Read More CWA 2024 Winners